


i hope i never lose the bruises that you left behind

by panicmoonwalker



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, back into the angst hole we go, have fun!!!!!, im not sure how to tag this, its sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21616537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panicmoonwalker/pseuds/panicmoonwalker
Summary: It was seventeen years to the day. Everyone he knew said it would get easier, that the pain would lessen; and he thinks he’s figured out why. This revelation only makes it more painful.Jake is forgetting her.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 17
Kudos: 61





	i hope i never lose the bruises that you left behind

**Author's Note:**

> here we go from fluffy bus feelings on a bus bound for osaka then home to plane angst after my original flight got cancelled :) but yeah i cried on a plane i hope you enjoy !
> 
> will reiterate a tw for death because there's one very intense scene in here!!

Jake hasn’t seen Amy in seventeen years. 

He’s 58 years old now; their daughter is fully grown and about to graduate from college. She’s thriving, maybe because she barely knew Amy. Maybe because she didn’t have to experience the same trauma he did. Luna had only been four years old when Amy was shot in the line of duty. He still remembers it so clearly. Every time the memory returns to the forefront of his mind, he digs the heels of his hands into his eyes so hard until he sees stars. 

Stars are more beautiful than watching your wife fall to the ground _again_ and _again._

It was seventeen years to the day. Everyone he knew said it would get easier, that the pain would lessen; and he thinks he’s figured out why. This revelation only makes it more painful.

Jake is forgetting her. 

He’s surrounded by memories of her, photos and videos. But he can barely hear her voice or her laugh in his head anymore. He used to close his eyes and see her beautiful smile with the crinkles forming as the smile grew, or her concentrated frown with _the other cute crinkle_ in her eyebrows. She rarely shows up in his dreams anymore, it had been a few months since she last made an appearance in his imagination where everything was _okay_. 

Since Luna was old enough to understand the pure grief her father experienced, the day had always gone the same. A schedule of sorts. She was her mother’s daughter. 

Jake usually remains in bed until Luna shows up with two bowls of Lucky Charms at midday. They would eat in silence, even when she was a child and she would want to wake him up earlier, she would remain silent. Luna knew it was the hardest day of the year, it always was. She would eat their favourite cereal in silence before snuggling, the both of them silently crying.

Luna usually leaves after thirty minutes, allowing him sometime to drag himself to the shower and put _Amy’s_ favourite flannel on - it’s old and in tatters, but she always loved it on him so he’ll sew the crap out of it until it falls apart - so they can go about their day. This process usually takes over an hour. His chest constricts, walking around their room, trying to function without her. The room is a mess and she would _loath_ it; so he needs to clean it. Sometimes he thinks to himself that he doesn’t want Amy to be upset when she gets home. It’s been seventeen years but sometimes he believes she might come home. 

Jake usually exits his room by 1:30, and they get out of the house a half hour later. The drive to the graveyard is exactly 34 minutes away, and he tries his best to keep himself calm on that drive. Luna was already freaked out enough by driving in Brooklyn, and with her nerves amplified by the day itself, he needs to remain sane. So he closes his eyes. 

This time he can’t force the stars to keep one of the most distinct memories of Amy away. 

~

_“Okay Luna, you’re spending the day with Grandma and I need you to remember one thing.” Amy is squatting in front of Luna, hands on her shoulders. “Can you remember what it is?”_

_“That I’m the best kid ever?”_

_“Yes, of course.” Amy rolls her eyes with huff of laughter, “But what about Grandma’s rule?”_

_“Don’t touch her paint without her express permission…” Luna tips her head back and slumps her shoulders. “The walls aren’t canvas.”_

_“Good girl.” Amy pulls her in for a tight hug, “I’m sure if you ask nicely, Grandma will let you paint your own vase.”_

_“Really?” Luna pulls back, her eyes sparkling with excitement._

_“Definitely. I’m sure she’ll even show you the vase I painted at your age!” Jake interjects._

_“I love you, mija.” Amy pulls her in, squeezing her one last time, before letting her go._

_“Love you more, mom.”_

_Amy scoffs, trying to hide her growing smile. “Not possible! I love you the most.”_

_“I can prove that I love you more!!” Luna stands proudly, hands on her hips. She holds the pose for a moment before wrapping herself around Amy again, smothering her face with wet kisses, finishing off with a raspberry to her cheek._

_“I’ve been convinced.” Amy laughs, tucking the loose strands of hair out of Luna’s face. “What about you dad?”_

_“I think you’ve finally been beaten, Ames.” Jake kneels down as Amy gathers herself, “Now it’s my turn.”_

_Jake joins Amy in the car just a few minutes later , she has a dreamy smile on her face and has a hand over her heart. “I can’t wait to have another baby.”_

_“Luna is spectacular, she’s gonna be the best big sister.” Jake notes, lacing his fingers with her spare hand and running his thumb over her knuckles. “I can’t wait either.”_

_Amy leans over her seat to place the softest, and probably the most intimate kiss they’ve ever shared. Jake sighs happily as the separate, leaning against her forehead. “Do you think your mom knows we’re pawning Luna on her so we can have hot baby making sex today?”_

_“Definitely. She can read_ minds _!”_

~

He wishes more than anything in the world that Amy had said yes to calling in sick so they could spend all day together instead. But Amy insisted he go to work, because he had a stupid important killer perp still on the streets. He tries to shake the thought away, one that haunts him. It was _his_ important case that got her killed. 

He doesn’t even notice they’ve arrived until Luna places her hand on his. “Dad?”

Jake looks from her hand to her face, a weak smile appearing on his face as she does the same. In a way, he will forever have memory of Amy. Luna was almost a clone, in personality and looks. This was both a blessing and a curse; some days it’s a great comfort that they were so alike, it was as if she was always there but then other nights it made Jake miss Amy so bad that he would cry to the point of not being able to breathe properly. 

“Dad? Let’s go, yeah? Mom’s waiting.” 

“Mom’s waiting…” Jake’s hands begin to tremble under Luna’s, his throat tightening. “Maybe you should just go, I’ll wait in the car.”

“Dad, I’m here. I won’t leave your side.” Her grip on his hand only becomes tighter, and her eyebrows knit together just like Amy’s always did. “Promise.”

Jake always struggles visiting her grave. He’s never been able to go alone, or with anyone but Luna. After all, she’s the reason he’s still a reasonable member of society seventeen years later. Jake hadn’t been a great parent. Luna tries to convince him otherwise, but there were countless times he had been unreliable. Not being able to get out of bed for weeks sometimes and she had to step up to look after the both of them. 

_Daddy, I can’t imagine how you feel. I know you miss her._ Luna at eight years old, only just beginning to really understand the reality of what happened. 

_Stop blaming yourself, she made her choices. This isn’t your fault, dad._ Thirteen year old Luna when he had barely left his room for two weeks. 

_Tell me more about her. I want to know her more, dad._ It had only been weeks after a two week stint in bed and missing a parent-teacher conference. 

He eventually opened up, it was the first time they went to her grave. Only his second time there since her funeral. He cried for the first time in front of Luna there, really cried. Jake told her all about his life with her mother before she was born, after she was born. 

His healing process had been long, but he did return to being a functioning member of society outside of work. Still, he had weak moments like any human, and sometimes they were so heavy he forgot how to breathe. But he did it anyway. 

Jake had only kept the day’s leading up to Amy’s death secret to Luna, she didn’t need to know or experience that pain if she didn’t have to. He never spoke of the funeral either, about his epic meltdown and being held down by Captain Holt as he experienced a pain unknown to man. 

~

_Gina had stayed with Jake overnight before the funeral. She helped get Luna ready, and cried with Jake as he asked her to help him with his buttons as well. Luna had mostly been confused during this time, always asking her aunts and uncles why_ daddy couldn’t stop crying _and asking when_ mommy was coming back _._

_Jake didn’t remember arriving at the graveyard, only remembering the sight of her casket ready to be lowered into the ground._ She would absolutely hate being buried underground, too claustrophobic, _he had thought. People made speeches he couldn’t listen to and he somehow managed to drag himself up to the podium and unfold his paper with great care._

_“A-Amy… Amy Santiago, um… She, she was-” Jake shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut and letting the tears fall freely. A few moments that felt like an eternity later, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Holt. Jake moves aside and allows Holt to take over._

_“Amy Santiago is the love of my life.” Holt starts, his voice already cracking but continues with a clear voice. “Amy is the smartest person I’ve ever met. So smart, and funny and wonderful and beautiful. She is the best mom and the best wife. Amy really was the ultimate human slash genius, none of us at the nine-nine couldn’t keep up with her if we tried.”_

_Jake and a few others laugh slightly at this, and he wipes fresh tears off his cheeks before Holt continues. “Amy was a strong and determined woman, she never let anything get in her way. Her dream was to become the youngest female Captain in the NYPD, and I’m grief stricken that I’ve lost her but also just as bad that she was only able to make it to Lieutenant before she passed. She would have made the best Captain, sorry Ray.”_

_Holt takes a pause as he reads on a few sentences. “I don’t know how to live without her, and it’s so unfair. To me, to Luna - she will never really know her mom and that makes me angry. She’s the best woman I’ve ever known and she won’t know her. That’s the worst,_ pardon the language _, fucking thing about this. I miss her, I’m going to miss her for the rest of my life. I love you forever, Ames.”_

_Soon after, when the casket is lowered is when Jake loses it. He collapses besides the ditch, his hand laid flat on the and he just_ can’t breathe. _Amy is really gone and she’s not coming home._

_He feels Holt wrap his arms around him, and he thinks even Luna runs up to him and hugs him. It’s not very clear but if it was, he hoped she would never remember this moment._

~

It’s a hard day, it always was. But watching as Luna places Amy’s favourite flowers on the gravestone before sitting on the damp grass and pulling Jake down with her truly warms his heart. “Hi mom.”

“Let’s get into it. Our daughter is actually the smartest woman ever. End of story.” Jake laughs softly, “But really, tell her Luna.” 

“Okay, so. I’ve told you before that I’ve been studying forensic science and psychology, and I’m almost done with that degree. I’ve decided to further my education, gonna get a masters so I can be a more of a leading force in the field.” Luna pauses for a few moments, as if giving Amy the chance to react. She twists her hands and takes a deep breath before continuing, “I hope you’re proud. I’ve worked really hard to do well, and I know dad is proud and he never fails to remind me of that. I just hope you are too.”

“Of course your mom would be proud, Luna.” Jake takes her hand this time, seizing the opportunity to be the comforter for once. “She would so adore the smart, independent woman you’ve become.” 

Luna nods with a shy smile, tucking her hair behind both ears _just like her_. “I miss you so much, mom.” 

“We both do. So much.” Jake adds with a sad sigh. 

“I don’t know if you’re feeling it too, but this year feels especially heavy and sad.” Luna shrugs, “I keep watching videos of us from when I was younger and the photos. So many. It just sucks that you’re missing from all the photos now.”

Jake nods along with this, managing to hold back his own tears and wiping the ones falling down Luna’s cheek. “Any other updates for mom?”

“I met this guy, pretty recent, and I really like him.” Luna looks away, _knowing_ what her dad’s face said without looking at him. “ _Dad_ it’s pretty new, and isn’t now a good time I can tell you _both_?”

“I guess. I will be getting more info later, get ready for dad cop.”

Luna lets out a snort, and it’s lighter from that moment. They joke and chat as if Amy was there next to them, and it was just a regular picnic as a family. It’s not long before Luna stretches and stands up. “Shaw’s? Everyone’s gonna be waiting for us.”

“Uhm, I think I’m gonna hang back here.” The shock is evident on Luna’s face, it takes her a few moments to process what he’s said. 

“Dad, are you sure?” Luna kneels next to him again. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“It’s been seventeen years since I’ve been alone with her... I owe her this.” Jake shrugs, “Go ahead without me. I’ll meet you there.”

Luna crashes into him, hugging him tightly. “I love you, dad. Bye mom, I love you the most.”

With a press of her fingers to her lips onto the gravestone, Luna is gone. Jake is alone with Amy for the first time in seventeen years. Jake simply sits there for a few minutes, staring at the engravings on her stone. Her final resting place. 

_Lt. Amy Santiago_

_August 7, 1983 - October 19, 2024_

_Ultimate human slash genius._

_Daughter. Friend. Mother._

“Hi Ames. It’s been a while.” Jake bites his lip, a sudden guilt washing over him as he sits there longer. “I’m sorry I’ve never come to talk to you alone. I was… scared? I don’t know, I miss you so bad. I can’t bare coming here to talk to you and you not being able to talk back but… That’s not fair to you.

“I don’t know if it’s my age, or my general goldfish memory b-but I feel like I’m starting to forget you. Not _forget_ you but just the little things. Smaller memories that aren’t significant but they’re precious, every moment with you was important and it’s _fading_. 

“They discontinued your favourite shampoo. I kept using it so I would never forget what you smelled like, but one day I went to the bodega to stock up and they were out. I looked everywhere, Amy. But now they don’t make it and I can’t quite remember what you smell like, it was flowers I know, but I _don’t know_ at the same time…. And your laugh… I can’t hear it as clearly, I have to watch videos to remember it. I feel so awful, how can I forget my wife like this. I’m a bad husband, a bad dad and _god_ I miss you Ames. 

“Luna was right. This year is harder, and I just want you in my arms again. I can’t remember how it feels to hold you in my arms, I just remember it was good. You were good. Great. All I needed in this world. You were too good to leave us so soon. I know you would hate me for this but I still blame myself. I can’t stop it, you are the one that helps me think logically but _you’re gone and you have been for seventeen years._ Because of me. 

“We keep on having all these celebrations lately. Like Nikolaj got an art deal with a comic book publisher, and Charles was so proud. It was a great party, and I went home that night and all I could think about was how you weren’t there. 

“I wish I had been more careful. If I hadn’t been so careless in the first place, I wouldn’t need to call for stupid backup. You’re gone because of me. Amy, I’m so sorry. You should have been here for Luna growing up. You should have been able to make Captain. It was my case - Amy, I can’t forgive myself. 

“I want to remember every detail about you. But I can’t. What your lips feel like, how it feels when you run your hand through my hair, how it felt when I would return the favour. You deserved so much better. I love you and I’m so sorry.”

Jake lets himself go then, sobbing until he can’t get air into his lungs and it _hurts_. “How does it hurt the same? I wish it wouldn’t hurt this much. I wish you were alive.”

He doesn’t know how long he’s there crying but he assumes it’s a few hours. Luna shows up eventually, a bottle of water and a muffin in her hand. She helps him up, and he lets one last tear fall before Luna helps him walk to the car. His suspicions of how long he was there are confirmed on the drive home as he watches the sunsets, driving past Shaw’s. 

Arriving home, he heard Luna mention cooking dinner but he hears nothing past that as he lays on the couch, his eyes heavy from crying. 

~

_This case had been kicking his ass. Weeks spent on it, more women were being killed and he couldn’t find him. A survivor had even been able to give a good enough description of him to find the identity of the man, but he hid well. So well. When he was finally spotted a precinct over, Jake had immediately rushed out, nodding when Amy offers her support with a few officers as a back up._

_And on his way there, there was an updated report of shots fired. It very quickly turns into a more serious situation, and the backup he didn’t think he’d need was summoned._

_Amy._

_She was a very capable lieutenant, but the thought of the two of them being out in a situation such as this together made his stomach turn. This would be the first time they’re out in the field together in dangerous conditions, the first time they were in danger at the same time. He almost freezes._

_Luna._

_This was too risky, a chance one of them could get hurt was doubled, even with backup. He almost wants to tell her to go back, he didn’t want to put her in danger. But he knows his wife, she would argue and this was not the time nor place. Amy would stay. They couldn’t leave Luna alone, they_ had _to be careful._

_Amy gives out her orders, and positions are taken. Except he fucks it up, he had been too in his head about Luna potentially being by herself. Jake ends up where Amy is supposed to be, and at first it seemed like it was going to work out for them. The victim is lying on the floor, only a graze to her face but she’s terrified._

_The perp had been right next to her, holding his gun at her head. Jake and Amy had their own weapons aimed at the man, telling him to freeze and put the weapon down. Amy’s eyes skirted to the shaking girl on the floor, ready to protect at a moments notice._

_He sees everything in slow motion, and of all the things present Jake wants to forget, this was the main one. He watches as the main raises his gun anyway, and Jake is firing his own weapon as the perp does as well. He wishes he didn’t see Amy in the corner of his eye, jumping in front of the innocent girl, struck by the bullet despite her vest and collapsing to the ground._

_Amy groans loudly as she hits the floor, clutching her thigh as the girl scuffles away and Jake is shouting_ something _into the radio and he disarms the bleeding criminal on the ground. All he can focus on is his_ wife _on the ground, blood rapidly flowing from her leg despite the pressure she’s trying to put on it._

_Jake rips off the jacket over his vest as he slides to his knees next to Amy, taking her bloody hand in his as he uses his other hand to apply as much pressure as he can. “Hold on, Ames. Ambulance is coming.”_

_His tries to make his voice as soothing as possible, but he watches as the blood doesn’t stop even with the pressure he’s put on the wound. The bullet must have hit a major artery._ Fuck. 

_If Jake had just focused on his orders, he could have taken out the perp from behind with the butt of his gun without anyone getting hurt. But instead he was on the floor next to his wife who was slowly bleeding out. “Where the fuck is the ambulance?”_

_“Hey, Jake. Look at me.” Jake hesitates before looking down at Amy. She’s so pale, but she attempts to smile at him, trying to sooth him when_ she’s _the one bleeding out on a dirty floor._

_“You’re gonna be okay, Ames. Just stay with me okay?” Jake voice cracks, adding more pressure and watching as it does nothing to stop the bleeding._

_“I’m okay. I’m with you.” Amy reaches her bloody but uninjured arm up to touch his cheek. “Jake, I need to say something.”_

_“Amy no, we’re not going there.” Jake shakes his head furiously, “The ambulance will be here soon. I’m not leaving your side.”_

_“Tell Luna I love her, Jake. Make sure she knows this, okay?” Jake looks down at her again, somehow paler than before and now she’s crying. “I love her and never let her forget it. Support her, be the great dad I know you are.”_

_“Amy stop, you’re gonna be okay.” Jake is sobbing at this point, he hates the idea of her thinking she’s gonna die. Because she wasn’t. “You’re gonna be okay and you’re going to continue to be a great mom to Luna and our family is only gonna get bigger. Just stay with me.”_

_“Jake…” Amy struggles, “Promise me you’ll both be okay?”_

_“Amy, I… I can’t. We’ll all be okay together.”_

_“_ Jake _, please.” Amy hiccups, her arm now too weak to stroke his cheek._

_“I… I promise.”_

_They spend the longest minutes sharing words of love, and Jake is still insisting that she’s not going anywhere but there is_ so _much blood - his jeans and other clothing is drenched in it. “I love you forever, Ames.”_

_Amy motions for him to move closer, and when he’s close enough she threads her fingers in his curls and pulls him down for one last kiss, whispering her reply. “I love you forever.”_

~

Jake wakes up with a gasp, and he can’t find air to put in his lungs. “A-Amy, Amy.” It’s all he can manage to get out and Luna rushes to his side, her hands gripping his shoulders so he stops shuddering. “It’s all my fault. My fault.”

“Dad, no. Please take deep breaths, remember what we practiced when we feel scared.” 

Jake really tries but he can’t stop crying. It was his fault. His fault, he could have followed orders correctly. He fucked up, it was his fault Amy was dead. 

Luna pulls him in, holding him tight until somehow his breathing evens out and the tears are less of a waterfall. “I need to know what happened that day, dad. I want to help you. It kills me to see you hurt like this and blame yourself when I’m sure it’s not your fault.”

Conflict rages inside him. Luna is surely mature beyond her age, and she deserves to know but she shouldn’t need to know. It hurts, so why should he burden her with the knowledge of what happened that day? To help himself? He was used to the pain that came from that memory dream that appeared often. He won’t be selfish like that.

“Dad, _please_.” 

Jake gives in, and he doesn’t realise how much of a relief it is to talk about it. He had been set in his stubborn ways and always refused to go to therapy, to _recover_. 

Luna cries a lot, and he holds her the way she has done for him countless times after the nightmares he’s had over the years. “So mom sacrificed herself to protect that girl from this criminal. And you blame yourself?”

“I could have done something different, like properly follow orders instead of being skittish. Things would have turned out so different, and this was _my_ case. My case that took us out on the field that day. I could list so many more reasons her death was my fault, Luna.” Jake laughs with a sarcastic huff. “No matter what anyone has ever said, I stand by it being my fault.”

“You know who I blame?” Luna asks softly. 

“Me? Because it’s my fault.” 

“ _No_. The criminal, for being a criminal. Trying to hurt an innocent woman, who was then bravely protected and kept alive by my hero mom.” Luna’s passion matches the way Amy got angry, maybe even exceeding Amy. “This was in no way your fault. Mom was doing her job, and she died.”

He was the reason he couldn’t remember her voice on demand, it was his fault he can never run his hands through her hair. It’s his fault he can never be truly happy again. “But-”

“ _No,_ dad, I’m talking!” Luna screeches. “You’ve been torturing yourself over this for seventeen years and it’s time to stop! It’s tragic and I miss her and I know you do so much, but you can’t blame yourself when it was the _criminal who pulled the trigger_. You didn’t kill Amy. A murderer did.”

“God, your passion matches your mother and I’m just a _little_ scared.” Jake laughs, more tears streaming down his face. “I think I can accept that? With a bit more time… That it’s not my fault.”

“I think mom will rest even easier knowing you’ve said it.” Luna wipes her father's tears off his face, “Forgiving yourself for things you can’t control is the only thing that will bring you peace.”

“I’m so glad you got your mom's smart genes. So wise.” Jake says, “Now, tell me what you made for dinner and I’ll tell you some new stories.” 

“Oh! Yes!” Luna claps happily, still sniffling. “I found a recipe written in her handwriting so I cooked that!”

“Oh _sweetie_ .” Jake grimaces, unable to control his laughter. “I got a _story_ for you! But first you’re gonna want to throw whatever concoction you made in the trash. And _quick_.” 

It will forever startle Jake to look at Luna. What a miracle he had created with Amy, his reason for living. She had become everything he and Amy had wished for, late at night when Luna was pressing on Amy’s spine and she couldn’t sleep. She was so her own person but so like Amy. How Jake would have coped without her in his life he doesn’t want to know. 

Jake doesn’t think he will ever fully recover; Amy was the most important person in his life. He almost doesn’t want to stop feeling the pain, it helps him remember. The good and the bad, and his memory is bad enough that those smaller things about her are gone. It breaks his heart. 

Amy will stay with him forever, she’s a permanent scar on his heart. He couldn’t blame himself, _hurt_ himself, forever. It wasn’t fair to Luna, almost as unfair as having her mother ripped away from her at such a young age. Jake forgives himself, for Luna. 

So Jake cherishes the scar, he feeds it with love and new memories made with Luna. It’s all he can do, for Amy. 

**Author's Note:**

> so, how we feeling? i'm still upset tbh
> 
> BUT GOOD NEWS! IM HOME AND I HAD A SPLENDID TIME IN JAPAN! I'm already halfway done with the next chapter of mmotfe so expect that soon :)
> 
> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated even though i'm an awful person who keeps writing sad shit like this


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